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Saff Mitten: The “Survivor’s Guilt” of Getting Pregnant After IVF

Saff Mitten/LinkedIn

Oct 28, 2026, 13:08

Saff Mitten: The “Survivor’s Guilt” of Getting Pregnant After IVF

Saff Mitten, Counsellor and Psychotherapist at Saff Mitten Counselling and Psychotherapy, shared on LinkedIn։

“I have been thinking a lot lately about an aspect of my work, and of the infertility and IVF journey, which a client so aptly described as ‘survivor’s guilt’.

For some women, getting pregnant and seeing that pregnancy progress successfully after a long and painful IVF journey can bring a sense of guilt that is difficult to speak about or understand.

For those who have been through infertility and IVF, there is often a strong sense of connection to this community. You may be aware that suddenly you represent the very thing you found so challenging and painful, and which other women in the depths of IVF still do. So there may be a feeling that your happiness carries a responsibility towards those still struggling.

There may be a sense of responsibility towards your earlier self, too. The part of you who spent so long longing, grieving, hoping and trying to keep going. As you begin to embrace your pregnancy, it can feel strangely painful to find yourself moving further away from her experience. Perhaps enjoying this feels a little like forgetting. Perhaps you worry that you will become someone who no longer understands and you never want to be that person.

And yet you do want to move towards motherhood too. You want to feel excited, to make plans, to allow yourself to become absorbed in what is happening to you. This can create an internal conflict.

How do you let yourself inhabit a life you wanted so deeply, while remaining connected to everything it took to get here?

Infertility may have impacted and reshaped your relationship with your body, your sense of belonging, your friendships, and your sense of self. Becoming pregnant finally and seeing that pregnancy progress – it can take time to make sense of what this means, within the context of what you have been through.

You may know that your circumstances have changed before you feel that change in yourself. You might feel different from other pregnant women, and want that difference understood. You may want people to recognise the history you are bringing into this pregnancy, even as you begin to experience joy within it. And you may be fearful that you are unintentionally inflicting pain on other women who are still in the depths of infertility and IVF.

Part of the psychological work here may be allowing your sense of yourself to grow around this new experience. Finding a way to become a mother that makes room for the woman who went through infertility, and everything she still feels. As well as honouring the infertility community in your choices, and in the compassionate way you approach your own pregnancy and deliver news.

It is possible to allow yourself happiness without losing your compassion, your connections, or your understanding of what this has cost, but it can take time to evolve into this.

Therapy can be a helpful tool if this is something you are struggling with, and this is something I explore a lot with women who are in this position.”

Other articles featuring Saff Mitten on Fertility News.