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Saff Mitten: Grieving the Person You Were Before Infertility and IVF

Saff Mitten/LinkedIn

Nov 3, 2026, 17:31

Saff Mitten: Grieving the Person You Were Before Infertility and IVF

Saff Mitten, Counsellor and Psychotherapist at Saff Mitten Counselling and Psychotherapy, shared on LinkedIn:

“Grieving the Person You Were Before Infertility and IVF.

One of the less recognised losses that can come with infertility is the loss of the person you were before it began.

The person you were before you knew how difficult getting pregnant could be.

Before you understood how uncertain the future could feel. Before IVF and infertility started shaping the way you thought about your life.

You may miss the version of yourself who simply assumed she would become a mother. Who trusted her body. Who could make plans without wondering how they might fit around treatment, or where she would be in her fertility journey by then.

You may miss being able to hear someone else’s pregnancy news without it bringing you straight back to your own situation. You may miss feeling more spontaneous, optimistic or sociable. And you may miss the way you used to relate to your friends, your partner and the future.

This loss of the old you can be difficult to recognise because you are still here, and from the outside, you may appear much the same.

But internally, infertility and the IVF journey may have changed how you feel about your body, your identity, other people, and the life you always thought you were going to have.

If you have been dealing with infertility for a long time, there might also be an implied pressure from others to return to the version of yourself they remember. Friends and family may miss the version of you who was more available, more carefree or had more emotional space for other parts of life. You may sense this even when nobody says it directly.

This can leave you feeling guilty for being more withdrawn, preoccupied or emotionally affected.

You may wonder whether other people are becoming tired of how much infertility has taken over your life and changed you. You may even feel frustrated with yourself for not being able to get back to who you were before.

But infertility is not simply a difficult experience that happens around the edges of your life. It can be all consuming and impact you in a profound way, at an identity level.

The fact of the matter is, even once your fertility journey is over, you may not return to exactly the person you were before infertility.

You won’t always feel the way you feel in the depths of IVF, but nor will you necessarily feel like the old you once it is behind you.

Part of coming to terms with what you have been through may involve grieving that version of yourself, while also beginning to understand who you are now.

If this resonates with you, and you would like support with this, it is one of the aspects of IVF and infertility I explore with women in therapy all the time.

I’m Saff Mitten, a counsellor and psychotherapist who supports women dealing with infertility, IVF, miscarriage and childlessness not by choice. I have lived through these experiences myself and that’s why I am committed to supporting other women who are facing these issues.”

Other articles featuring Saff Mitten on Fertility News.